Telling Your Child They're Donor-Conceived: What the Research Says

    By Jess Bierschank, author of Leo Asks Big Questions · Published · Last updated

    Major guidance supports early, honest, ongoing conversations, while research findings need context. The Donor Conception Network recommends starting before about age seven, ideally before five, so children grow up knowing their story. Use real words, keep listening, and leave room for feelings that may change as your child grows older.

    What the guidance says

    ASRM

    The 2018 ethics opinion supports disclosure and says the decision ultimately belongs to recipient parents. It describes reports of neutrality or curiosity among children told young, while acknowledging limits in the evidence. ASRM encourages telling; it does not require it.

    Read ASRM guidance

    Donor Conception Network

    DCN recommends starting before about age seven, ideally before five, so children grow up with their story rather than remembering a single reveal. Starting early also gives parents time to practice honest, comfortable language.

    Read Donor Conception Network guidance

    VARTA

    Time to Tell presents telling as an ongoing conversation rather than a one-off event. It is not too late to begin with an older child or adult, though support and preparation may help everyone make space for the response.

    Read VARTA guidance

    HFEA

    Under UK rules, people conceived using donors who registered at licensed clinics on or after April 1, 2005 can generally request identifying donor information at age 18. Earlier donations and donors who later re-register have different rules. Access to an identity does not guarantee contact or a relationship.

    Read HFEA guidance

    What long-term studies found

    These studies describe particular participants, not every donor-conceived person. Associations do not establish cause and effect, and different studies measure different experiences. The Auckland survey is a snapshot of parents’ reports, not a long-term follow-up of children.

    Research summaries with sample details and limitations. Follow each source for the full methods and findings.
    StudyWhoFindingSource link
    Golombok et al., 20-year study (Cambridge, 2023)65 assisted-reproduction families: 22 surrogacy, 17 egg donation, 26 sperm donation; 52 comparison families.Among donor-gamete families, learning before age seven was associated with less negative relationships with mothers at age 20. This small UK study does not establish causation.Read source
    Jadva et al. (Cambridge, 2009)165 sperm-donor-conceived respondents aged 13–61, recruited through a donor-sibling registry.Those told later reported more negative feelings about donor conception. This was a self-selected sample of people already aware of their origins, not a representative sample.Read source
    University of Auckland parent survey (2025)374 parents of donor-conceived children aged 7–18.86% of responding parents reported telling their children; the university reported 96% among same-sex parents. Non-disclosing parents may have been less likely to respond. These are parent-reported findings from respondents, not estimates for every family.Read source
    US National Longitudinal Lesbian Family Study (2025)70 offspring of lesbian parents followed at ages 10, 17, 25, and 30–33.The study found no statistically significant differences in measured behavioral outcomes by donor type or donor contact in this cohort. It does not prove donor type has no effect for everyone; the sample was small and 90% White.Read source

    Why secrecy no longer works

    DNA testing can uncover genetic relatives and unexpected origins, even when a relative rather than your child takes the test. Donor anonymity and family secrecy cannot be relied on. Honest conversations give your child a foundation before an unexpected discovery, without guaranteeing how they will feel.

    In a voluntary 2018 survey, 33 of 127 donor-conceived respondents (26%) reported discovering their origins through DNA testing. The online sample was not representative of all donor-conceived people. Read the survey.

    Colorado’s donor-information law covers qualifying gametes collected on or after January 1, 2025, and embryos formed from them, for intended recipients unknown to the donor at donation. It provides a route for people conceived through those donations to obtain identifying donor information at age 18. It does not give every donor-conceived adult immediate access in 2025, and access rules differ elsewhere.

    Read Colorado SB22-224

    What this means for your family

    • Start with small, honest pieces of your child’s story. If they are older, begin from where you are rather than waiting for perfect words.
    • Use sperm, egg, embryo, and donor, with the names and relationships that fit your family. Do not hide genetic connections behind treatment language.
    • Keep returning to the conversation. Welcome curiosity and difficult feelings without asking your child to reassure you.
    • Keep available donor records and discuss privacy, DNA testing, and possible contact without promising information or relationships you cannot guarantee.

    Summaries, not medical advice. Follow the links for the full sources.

    For practical conversation ideas, visit our Parent FAQ or Parent Guides.